LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
