she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
