Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
