The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Im part way to drunk.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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