I want you more than these girls want KFC
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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