I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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