I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
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