No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
