This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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