A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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