I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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