Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
