you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
