he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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