if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
