I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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