She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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