I must be too annoying 4 u.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
