You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
