I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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