VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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