Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
