She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
