Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
