I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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