Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
