I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
