got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
