She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
