Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
