Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
