I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
