she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
