Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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