1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
