he puts the penis in happiness.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
