she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
