In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
