I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
