Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
