There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
