My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
