weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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