There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
