I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
