it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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