I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
