she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
