Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
