I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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