duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
